Living in the Moment: Reflections of May

May has always been a month of anticipation for our family. For several years while teaching, May has brought the excitement of anticipating summer. In the past, summer has to mean a reprieve from stress; chances to recharge mentally, write for fun, and read any book I wanted. It has been several years now since I’ve had a full summer off; so now I notice I approach the end of this May with more of a gasp; fear of not wanting the summer to go by too fast as I know that every day that goes by is one less day of K being home; every day that goes by is one day closer to D starting a high school; something he openly expresses anxiety about.

A year ago we felt the anticipation of K leaving for college so at first this May held the excitement of flying to Boston to pack up K’s dorm room at the successful completion of her first year. I felt happier than I had in months as K met M and I at Logan Airport on the Friday evening of Mother’s Day weekend. We hugged each other with a sense of knowing that we had each made it through the first year successfully; each of us having learned new things about ourselves. K had learned how to live far-from-home; achieve a high grade point average at a university known for deflating grades; and most of important of all, she expressed to me that she was learning to live in the moment and really enjoy all the experiences that college had to offer.

K's realization cam earlier in the spring when K mentioned in an IM conversation how much “fun” she had missed in high school as she was so focused on obtaining her beyond high school goals. This remark was made after seeing a news clip of a spirited high school student cheering at a basketball game and commenting on how much more spirit this year’s senior class showed. The IM conversation went like this:

km: i sometimes think that i thought too much about the future and not about the present

ls: really? too much about the future and not about the present... what do you mean by that? They say that you have to start planning for college by 9th grade now so I am not so sure you did... I think that is why we are nervous about D.

ls: Maybe it is a bad trait you picked up from me... I knew I was going to be a teacher in 1st grade. :)

km: it just seems like that sometimes i was too focused on where I was going and i didn't think about what i was doing at the time, like in high school i sometimes wish i had gone to more games but then i was worried about what would happen

km: its kind of sad how much planning has to occur

km: what happened to people just going

km: now it feels like it all has to be planned

ls: i'm sorry you have regrets... maybe it is a lesson for now.. you are in college now so focus on today. Your planning got you to a great school... if you hadn't of planned like you did, you would be at CU and not BU. :) How is that for putting a different light on it?

ks: that sounds good

ls: And yes, you have to enjoy the journey... which I think you are for now. I think it is easy to look back and say, I wish I would have gone to game more, etc, but I don't know if you would have... you had nights when you were just here and didn't go even though we mentioned it. :)

ls: Sometimes we need to learn from yesterday for today so I would suggest going to more games at BU... and it seems like you are doing a lot in college...

ls: Oh, I think you will go more next year... you had a lot to get used to this year...You have to remember too that LHS was just LHS - not as exciting as it may seem now in terms of games, etc. The kids wouldn't have been any different... so what is happening this year with the pep rallies wouldn’t have happened last year.

km: you are right about the games not being the same.

ls: I only went to one game my entire 4 years because I hung out with people who didn't go to sporting events. I may have gone to one other game but I don't remember... for you see, at the time, it wasn't a big priority... but now, I wish I would have gone to more… but only because I understand sports a lot more after marrying dad. :)

ls: Just like I now wish I would have swam and played tennis in high school... but the bottom line is that I just didn't know...

km: i see what you mean

ls: We do the best we can and really need to not have regrets... just know that you are really making an effort to do more in college...

ls: Write down everything you have been doing this year and you will see how much you've done... I really think a list in your notebook would be good. I keep a list of all of our trips and it helps keep them in the memory...

ls: You are really wise to be realizing the importance of enjoying "today" while still having goals for "tomorrow." :)

ks: thanks i try

ls: one more thing... I really don't think you missed a lot in high school. I really do think it is better to have what you have in college. :)

ls: because I really wish I would have gone to a better college.

km: i think i am having great experiences in college, and i love being here so it was worth it

ls: Yes... remember that the people would not have been any different... it would have still been the same people there....

The IMing continued for a few more minutes before our usual back-and-forth close.

km: I’m going to head to bed

ls: Good night. Thanks for talking... love you and sweet dreams!

km: night and love you

What I learned this year from K's first year away for college was how to be a long-distance mom and how to offer support from a distance. IMing, emails, texting, and cell phone calls helped the relationship with my daughter flourish. K knew she could always find me. I even learned how accept the feeling of missing her. I learned to stop looking for her in her room and often would just shut her bedroom door. When I felt the sadness descend like a rain storm, I just told myself that it is part of learning how to let go so that K could grow up to be the independent, happy woman that we want her to be. I would not want her to be living at home, or even living close by, if it meant that she sacrificing her dreams or was living a stifled existence. I want her to achieve her highest goals and reach for her dreams so I knew I had to let go. This first year apart proved that the miles apart did not diminish our love; in fact, I would say we have grown even stronger and I savor the time when we talk or are with each other. I enter the summer knowing now that next year will be easier. We do get used to "change" over time. The yearlong trek to acceptance was a form of grieving; just like it took a year to accept Grandma S’s passing. Eventually, the pain does not seem quite as sharp and the memories are sweeter.

My parents also went to Boston that weekend to help us move K out of her dorm and to get a sense of K’s life away from them. My mom said she felt better after having a mental picture of where K spends her time when she is away from us. We excitedly took my parents sightseeing and to our favorite pubs in Cambridge and Boston. We also enjoyed visiting with my childhood friend, her family, and her mom while eating large, fresh chunks of lobster at an outdoor restaurant & home-made ice cream place where you sit at picnic tables under a canopy outside in a forested area. Our moms had not seen each other for 31 years so they had a chance to visit while my friend's son ran around outside.

On Saturday morning after moving K out of her room, K’s new roommate, a friend from New York City, gave us a tour of K’s dorm room for next year since she already lives there. K's room will be in an old Brownstone on campus. The other girls seems friendly and it helped us all to see where she will be living next year. On our last night, Sunday, we celebrated Mother’s Day and K’s successful first year with an Italian dinner in the North End and dessert at an Italian caffé. We brought K's roommate along and that felt good to get to know her better. They look like sisters. K flew home with us on Monday morning and I couldn't help but mention about how the next three years of K’s college will go really fast and that we all have to live in each moment that we have with each other more without letting the day-to-day responsibilities rob us of the enjoyment of our time together.

May has also brought M to his eternal summer as he celebrates his retirement from a 30-year career of middle science teaching and school administration. In contrast, I catch myself thinking about how fast time goes and how much time I have already let slip by as I attempt to manage my overflowing job responsibilities. The metaphor that I have used too many times these past three weeks, since bringing K home, is that I feel like I am on a playground merry-go-round whirling around and around faster and faster, as I hang on to the middle wondering how to jump off the merry-go-round in order to spend more time with K while she is home and still get enough work done to stay on track for keeping my tenure-track position? I often feel that the academic culture expects one to push family to the side for the sake of research and publication, and that those of us who put family first are seen as less serious, and not as worthy.

Yet, as a qualitative researcher, spending time with my family fuels my ability to write about lived experiences. As Robert Atkinson (1995) writes in The Gift of Stories, “We become fully aware, fully conscious of our lives through story. Reclaiming story is part of our birthright. Telling our own story enables us to speak our truth and to be heard, recognized, and acknowledged by others. It is only through story that our truth can be told, that the meaning of life can be identified” (p. xiii). Atkinson also writes,
“Enough truthful stories – from the heart, of the soul – can stop hatred, prejudice, racism, and this can change the world. By hearing one’s own and another’s truths, we become more in tune with, more sensitive to, and more connected to each other. The more life stories that are shared between people everywhere and from all backgrounds, the closer we will become" (p. xvi).